Trying to conceive. Falling pregnant. Having a baby. All of these phrases sound so innocent, but in reality, it’s so much more than that.
I’m not shy in chatting about how much Daniel and I would love to have a family. We’ve been married for more than 3 years now and more than a year of that has been spent trying to conceive.
Wanting to have a baby as much as Daniel and I do, but each month being disappointed, is something that wears on your mind. It’s the sort of situation that turns the world into a black and white canvas. I’m either pregnant or not pregnant. It’s one of the few situations in life that is a complete. You’re either entirely pregnant or not. No grey area.
Trying to conceive… and failing
Our journey started as many others experience it. We decided to start a family and we assumed it would happen instantly, like waving a wand or making a wish. It happens so quickly for many others, so why not us, right?
Unfortunately, I had one experience that pushed me to make the decision to start a family. The death of my father. While I had often considered starting a family before that point, his death suddenly triggered a spark in my brain that had me pushing to fall pregnant right now. RIGHT NOW.
I was convinced that if I fell pregnant immediately, I could tell my family and pull some of that grief out of their hearts and replace it with a ball of light. Replace it with joy. I knew that falling pregnant would cut through my own grief, my own heartache, and allow myself to look forward. I put so much pressure on myself, so much stress on top of dealing with an intense grief that threatened to flatten me, I’m not really surprised that it didn’t happen.
A new plan
After coming to my senses and lifting the weight of everyone else’s pain off of my own shoulders, Daniel and I decided to press pause on trying to conceive. It was the wise decision to make.
A few months later, and roughly a year ago now, we decided to start trying again. It’s been a challenging and draining experience. While it should be fun and games, there’s so much thinking that takes place. Thinking, planning, wondering, hoping, and praying.
For now, we’re still not any closer to falling pregnant. Soon I’ll be visiting a doctor to see why exactly we may be struggling.
Dealing with questions and enquiries every month is not easy, even when done in love. It’s not easy dealing with my period starting each month. It’s crushing every single time, but I know it’s made me stronger. I feel my back straighten and my feet ground a little more each month.
I’m going to survive this. And one day, when I hold that baby in my arms, whether one that I’ve birthed or one that Daniel and I adopt, it will all be worth it.
Here comes the future, friends. It may not be easy, but it is bright.